What will Google do? PICNIC08

Google's Gisel Hiscock

So, this is what the programme has to say, be advised - it’s misleading as hell: “Google’s European Director will talk about some of the company’s newest initiatives and strategies. From Andriod to AdSense, and from Streetview to bringing internet by satellite to Africa. With a special focus on Google’s European business and development strategies. This is lies. Though Android is touched on at the end.

WARNING - do not read this post if you want to learn anything of note about Google.

Gisel Hiscock is Google’s New Business Director for Europe, Middle East and Africa. She’s been with them for five years, and just moved to London.She’s also the first female Google exec I’ve ever seen written up on Valleywag.

Needless to say, I pay no attention to internet gossip that suggests relationships in major corporate workplaces can help people’s careers, but I can report that Gisel looks incredibly good on stage but presents - to be brutally honest - incredibly badly. There’s a lack of assurance and confidence and she’s not really helped by her material.

Theoretically we’re here to hear all about how Google innovate globally, but all we get is a squeeze of the softest soap.

Moving beyond the simple statement that traditional businesses apply a centrally driven “Mothership approach” to innovation vs. Google’s focus on diversity delivered through 26 new international engineering centres in the last two years, she simply gives us a list of generic principles that companies should follow.

So, much as it pains me to have to write this kind of crap, here are the secrets on offer.

1) Start with a mission that withstands time - it’s notable, btw, that the mission put on screen includes the line “the best search engine should give you exactly what you want.” Good to know that Google still sees itself as being in search, but I have a feeling that the definition of search engine is going to have to change in the near future.

2) Hire the best - hiring is apparently at the heart of what Google do. (I’d tell a story about how genuinely odd I found their approach to serving their heart, but unfortunately the good folks over there ensure you sign an NDA when you enter the building…)

3) Everyone can contribute - ideas come from everywhere and all people. NEVER! Really? There I was restricting my innovation potential by thinking creativity only came from people with creative in their job title…

4) Share - share all information (could almost be worrying this one, couldn’t it?)

5) Everyone must understand your vision - vision must be shared with the team

6) Morph ideas - don’t kill them. This is quite interesting to me, but only because I’m still reflecting on Michael Tchao’s presentation from yesterday and how long they’d hung on to the vision for Nike+ before external tech factors could make it work.

7) Speed matters - iterate products (worth noting that the slide here shows pictures of the iPhone).

Data Data Data - data drives decisions, rather than passion

9) Users come first - not money. (Though watch the scramble for Google to monetise their products once they’re established, YouTube’s the case in point at the moment).

10) 20% is at the core - she dwells a lot on this, we all know that all Googlers theoretically get 20% of time to spend on their own projects and that this leads to a lot of live services, but hey… WE ALL ALREADY KNOW THIS!

Then, delivering on the content promised in the programme, she gets onto Android and the Open Handset Alliance.

Sorry, but her persona isn’t doing it for me. Surely this isn’t a Google strategy? Do the big conferences with attractive women who tell us “I do a lot of shopping!” let alone women who feel they have to positively spoonfeed an audience like this with a basic description of QR Codes.

Oh, and if you can handle any more, Gisel “fell in love instantly with Chrome!” and she’d like us all to help celebrate their 10th birthday a few weeks ago by checking out www.project10tothe100.com

Anyway, that was completely surreal…