Friday fun #6

Inspired by the snow and frustrated by our country’s inability to cope with anything other than light rain, we decided to vent our feelings in a complaints letter to a local train service.

We decided it would be much more fun to do it as a celebrity - cue split into 4 groups, pick a celeb and get on with it.

10 minutes later and a lot of anger released these are the results:

Mr T

SWT Suckers,

You made me fly. You crazy fools. Nobody makes the T fly. Fools.

Planes man. I hate airports. Dem security suckers make me take off ALL my gold. I mean I am the A-Team. Crazy fool.

You never had snow before - that’s pathetic. I could have made a snow plough in any old barn using straw, nails and a shovel.

Next time get it right or I’ll hunt you down and force feed you snickers till you beg for the face to kiss you.

Suckers

Lily Allen

OMG I can’t believe it…

I got on the fackin train today
To see my BFF who’s totally gay
The wrong kind of snow
Not my kind of blow
Made it awl go slow…
Another facking delay

Am angry and bitter
S’why I’m writing this letta
You can be sure I’ll diss you on twitter
Sarf West Trains are so up the shitter
If only I’d walked then I’d be fitta

Who the fuck do you fink you are making me wait?
Keith Allen’s my dad, Jamie Winstone’s my mate
Had to divert to the Graucho to meet up with Kayte
Am never getting the train again from Nottin’ ill gayte

You c!@$

Hannibal Lecter

To whom it may concern

I am writing to you from the Queen Mary Asylum on the Isle of Wight. Having successfully  absconded from this very asylum Monday last and crossed the solent, I was booked on the 7:42  South West Train service from Portsmouth to London Waterloo, which should have arrived at 9:03am. This would have enabled me to catch the London Underground to St Pancras, in just fifteen minutes according to the Transport for London website, in order to catch the Eurostar back to Venice.

Alas, due to adverse weather conditions, this train didn’t make it further than Aldershot where I was picked up by the police and transported back to this facility, thus thwarting my grand escape. I can not understand how such little snow can bring such a supposedly sophisticated nation’s transport system to a standstill.

The one positive thing I will say for South West Trains is regarding the exquisite local countryside meat served in first class, I’ve never tasted anything quite like it…

Yours regrettably

DR Hannibal Lecter